New Challenge

I've joined the Awesome By August weight challenge.  This is hosted by Kat's Adventured in Dietland, 265 and Falling and Brooke, Not On A Diet.  It's a 4 week challenge to see who can lose the highest percentage by August 6th.

So now I'm involved in a few challenges.  I love them. I need all the help I can get. I really don't care about the prize, I really JUST want to lose weight and having to take a picture of the scale and email it to someone is humbling!  Whatever works!

I ate good today, went a bit overboard on the dumb Amish Friendship bread that I have been making every 10 days but I've cut the oil in it so it's not quite as caloric as before. I ate about 1600 calories. 

Living in Denial

So we went to the waterpark on vacation.  I notice the people all the time, I love people watching. This year I looked closer and was so saddened by so many overweight people.  So many unhealthy people.  I am one of them.

I am not judging anyone, I'm not grossed out by their fat or disgusted by their lack of healthy awareness. I am SAD for their lack of control and committment.  I am sad for their state of health.  I am sad for their complete denial.

That's what it is. Denial. I know this because I lived it for many, many years.

Sure they know they are overweight.  Yes, they know that eating fatty foods and desserts won't help. They know on some level. Yet they keep doing it.  They know it but it's like this downward spiral that they just can't go up and it gets worse and worse.

This blog has helped me a lot. I haven't made a ton of weigh loss progress since I started this blog but I truly believe had I not been writing every day, I would have gained more. Much more. 

I broke free of my complete denial a few years ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes.  That woke me up. I learned, focused and lost 100 lbs.  Then I got comfortable. Then I gained. Let me tell you, at 237 lbs, I am far from comfortable!  I've been stuck since.  This blog has helped. Having to post daily has kept me from living in denial and not thinking about what I ate. 

I ate okay today.  We did go out to eat, I don't know for sure what kind of calories I ate. It wasn't horrible, it wasn't great either.  However it was much better than it would have been if I wasn't writing this blog. 

Sorry, this has been kind of a rambly post. I had one thought at the beginning and then sorta went another direction. Writer, I am not. Tired, I am.

Nyquil Hangover

Question: What's worse thank eating snacks when you aren't hungry??

Answer: Eating snacks while not hungry while having a stuffed up nose and sore throat and can't even TASTE the snacks! 

Seriously, same junk today as always.  Today, my excuse was that eating felt good on my throat.  It did but I'll bet that celery would have felt just as good as a Nutrigrain Bar or 100 calorie snack packs or pieces of cheese off the kids' plates and other stuff that I have no desire to remember. 

I just drank a ton of Nyquil so I'm off to la-la land.  I drank a TON of water this evening to keep from coughing so I'll be up peeing all night too.  I'm quite sure I'll wake up to a Nyquil hangover in the morning. I always do. 

I'm Still Hungry!!!

Have you ever eaten dinner and for a bit, actually feel hungrier after you've eaten it?  I was really hungry, ate a 400 calorie healthy meal and I actually felt like my stomach was still rumbling and hungry!  How annoying!  This doesn't happen too often but it's happened before. 

Usually the feeling goes away pretty quick because obviously I'm NOT really hungry.  The stomach just recieved 400 calories, it has work to do!

I don't like being hungry. I don't like being fat. Hunger will go away. Fat stays a lot longer.

I almost didn't want to post today.  I kept snacking all day, I just can't get a stinking handle on it!  Grrr.  I had about 2000 calories probably. Waaaayyyyyy too much.  I had to estimate some things and I usually estimate high but it was probably close to that.  Not good. Off to bed.

Weigh In: July 7 - Summer 15 Challenge

I was SOOOO disappointed by last weeks gain that I was determined not to gain this week. I didn't do as well eating as I would have liked but at least the scale showed a loss.  My ankle and leg aren't swollen anymore so maybe it's because of that. Who knows.

So I have a 1.2 loss for this week.  I'll take it.

So for the Summer 15 challenge, I'm still a gain of 4 lbs.  Yuck. So 19 to go if I am in the running of the million dollar prize.  Er, or the drawing.

I ate too much today. Not horrible but just too much snacking.  A few ritz, a few pretzels, a finger full or two of peanut butter.  Stupid stuff.  I'm sure I ate about 1800 calories.  The snacking is GOT to stop! I'm taking in 400 - 500 calories extra just with stupid snacks!  Grrr.

This is linked with Weekly Weigh In hosted by Marvelous Mommy!  Join up with your weekly weigh in and keep accountable!

Stop Making Excuses!

What is it about weekends?  Why do we give ourselves silent permission to snack and eat bad food.  We always regret it. 

I've been seeing post after post about people who just lost it over the weekend and I keep seeing the same pattern.  This just happened to be a long weekend and a holiday which made it much worse!

We make excuses that "It's not my normal routine" or "There was a BBQ and I couldn't help it".  Dang it, those are just excuses!  We CAN help it. We still are making the CHOICE to eat those desserts or snack on junk we know we shouldn't.  The temptations are NOT beyond our control yet we choose to let ourselves believe that it IS too much temptation. 

We need to take control of the weekends and not let them control us!  It CAN be done. I am SO done with excuses!  It's how we became super fat in the first place.  We all WANT to lose weight so enough with all the excuses and just DO IT!

Yes, I'm talking to mainly myself.  But maybe you should listen too!  :-)

Right after I wrote this, earlier this morning, Anti Jared posted something about making excuses on holiday weekends too.

I finished up the day at about 1500 calories.  I ate an amazingly good dinner that I will share on my recipe blog tomorrow night.  It was a turkey black bean burger and southwestern butternut squash.  It was healthy, low calorie and incredibly tasty!

Bacon grease, Wendys & Pizza!

Yes, I ate all 3 today. I made bacon for a picnic and then fried my egg in a wee small amount of bacon grease this morning.  We then were out for errands in the afternoon and stopped at Wendys.  I just had a $1 chicken sandwich that I'm sure had WAY too many calories and grease.  I ate just a small amount of food at the picnic, but then failed the day by eating 3 pieces of unnecessary pizza this evening.  Grrr. 

I would have been fine without the pizza.  I wasn't even hungry, it was just cheesy, greasy and tasty.  Sadly, what I enjoy the most.  Other than that, I had a pretty good weekend. 

Memories...

It's funny how many memories are associated with food.  Another blogger made a simple comment about making "real" popcorn rather than the microwave popcorn and all these memories of "real" popcorn came to mind.

When I was a kid, Friday night was popcorn night. It was the night that The Dukes of Hazard was on so of course it was special!  My dad would put in a ton of oil, pop the corn and then melt an entire stick of popcorn and drizzle it on top.  Boy, THAT was good popcorn!  My mouth is watering just thinking about it. 

Now I sit and eat my 100 calorie portion of popcorn which is WAY more expensive, tastes just "okay" and is probably full of chemicals and who knows what else. 

It is different, but I'm not sure if it's necessarily better.  Are the chemicals and fake butters that we are putting in our bodies really helping us?  Yes, it's nice to have that pre-portioned pack of popcorn or whatever but it's hard to know if it's really helping us. Wouldn't it be nice to just be able to have the control to just eat a small bowl of real butter clad popcorn and have it be enough? 

I don't have that control and it is infuriating!  So for now, I stick with the 100 calories chemical filled popcorn.

I didn't post yesterday, I just forgot.  I ate about 1700 calories yesterday and about 1400 today. 

Feeling the Upswing of Things!

I'm way too tired to think of anything even remotely witty to say tonight. Seems to be a pattern of that, huh. 

I planned well and ate pretty much according to plan.  I ate about 1800 calories which was high but I kept in control, which is important for me. The details aren't important but the fact that I can type this without any major regets is huge for me. It's been SOOOOOOO depressing when I do things that weren't planned and so stupid. 

Consistency is where I have been lacking. I am so hoping that this weekend goes well. My confidence boosts as I gain consistency and control.  I am feeling the upswing so hopefully it will continue that way!

Giving Up

I just read a post about quitting and how we need to make sure that today is NOT that day for quitting.

I've been fighting this battle for a long time and I have truly seen some good times and bad times.  I get depressed a lot.  Though I'm pretty good about hiding it. Sometimes I really feel like quitting would be easier.

Would it?  Really?

Quitting would be like saying I am happy with how I look and how I feel. Quitting would be like saying I can't do any better than this.  Quitting would be like not caring about myself.  Or my family.  Because they are affected by this too.

Quitting would make me more depressed and angry with myself because I would have failed. How can I control anything if I can't control what I put in my mouth? 

I'm not quitting.  Not today. Not ever. I can't. I won't.

Today I did good. I avoided the unnecessary sweets. For some reason that seems to be my downfall lately.  I ate about 1400 calories.  Lots of water.  I'm so not quitting.