I just read that a fellow blogger posted that someone in his family committed suicide recently. Tragic loss, especially for the family who have to live with it the rest of their lives.
It made me think.
I've been on sorta an emotional roller coaster. Up and down. Not suicidally down but just everyday things. It's been going well but this morning was a bad morning. No real reason, it just was and I ate. Because I felt like it. Not binging or anything, nothing that I can't make up for, but I did it. I did it on purpose, even though I kept telling myself not to.
I feel like I tried to commit suicide. Just a little bit. By eating so much. This much weight on my body is killing me. Obviously there are hundreds of diseases that the percentage of getting is amplified greatly by being obese. But there are other way that it's "killing" me. Mentally, I hate it. I hate the way I look and it prevents me from doing so many things that I want to do. Spiritually it's killing me because the bible warns against gluttony and I don't feel I can accurately represent God, while doing this to my body. So for me to spend a morning eating many ritz crackers, munching on cereal and eating leftovers off the kids' plates, way too big of a lunch that I wasn't hungry for, is like committing suicide to me. Especially when I have the tools and the mental capability to avoid this. After each Ritz cracker I kept thinking, "What the hell am I doing?".
What the hell WAS I thinking?! I have yet to see 1/2 pack of Ritz crackers or a few handfuls of cheerios on the plan menu.
If I continue this behavior, it will be my family who has to suffer. My kids don't get to do things with me as much because of it. Me dying spiritually would greatly affect my kids as they depend on my to teach them. Obviously physically dying would cause them huge suffering as well.
I have a plan for the rest of the day that does not include much food. Hubs just brought home salad lettuce so that and mass amounts of water is the plan. The rest of the day will be busy, so enough wallowing.