Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 67 of 120

I just read that a fellow blogger posted that someone in his family committed suicide recently.  Tragic loss, especially for the family who have to live with it the rest of their lives. 

It made me think.

I've been on sorta an emotional roller coaster.  Up and down. Not suicidally down but just everyday things.  It's been going well but this morning was a bad morning.  No real reason, it just was and I ate.  Because I felt like it. Not binging or anything, nothing that I can't make up for, but I did it. I did it on purpose, even though I kept telling myself not to. 

I feel like I tried to commit suicide. Just a little bit. By eating so much. This much weight on my body is killing me.  Obviously there are hundreds of diseases that the percentage of getting is amplified greatly by being obese.  But there are other way that it's "killing" me.  Mentally, I hate it. I hate the way I look and it prevents me from doing so many things that I want to do.  Spiritually it's killing me because the bible warns against gluttony and I don't feel I can accurately represent God, while doing this to my body.  So for me to spend a morning eating many ritz crackers, munching on cereal and eating leftovers off the kids' plates, way too big of a lunch that I wasn't hungry for, is like committing suicide to me.  Especially when I have the tools and the mental capability to avoid this.  After each Ritz cracker I kept thinking, "What the hell am I doing?". 

What the hell WAS I thinking?!  I have yet to see 1/2 pack of Ritz crackers or a few handfuls of cheerios on the plan menu.

If I continue this behavior, it will be my family who has to suffer.  My kids don't get to do things with me as much because of it.  Me dying spiritually would greatly affect my kids as they depend on my to teach them. Obviously physically dying would cause them huge suffering as well.

I have a plan for the rest of the day that does not include much food.  Hubs just brought home salad lettuce so that and mass amounts of water is the plan.  The rest of the day will be busy, so enough wallowing.    


  1. Actually, eat your protein. Crackers and cereal don't offer enough. Put protein on that salad. :)

    I felt that way spiritually a long, long time. That I wasn't letting God help me overcome the overeating, and what did that do as a witness? I mean, there are some sins that are obvious, and gluttony makes itself known on our bodies. A drunkard, an adulterer, a murderer, a child molester, a thief--they an all hide their sins and no one knows until it is exposed. But if we overeat...everyone can see it. (Except for bulimics, I guess, who eject the food.)

    So, it does, I think, have an impact on witness. If we tell someone that God can help them overcome their burdens and trials, they can look at us and say, "Oh, yeah. How come God can't help you overcome that second helping of baby back ribs?"


    Let's continue to fight the war in body and spirit and mind.

  2. Please forgive yourself. You are doing SO GREAT and the above post is indicative of your ACTUAL mindset. This morning is not. As far as weight loss and your journey to health goes, it's what we do EVERY day that matters.

    On bad mornings, you do need to dig deep for the real coping skills. Food is so easy. It makes you feel better temporarily, maybe. But as you know then it makes you feel worse. But prayer and meditation actually DO make you feel better. Counting your blessings on your bad days makes a world of difference. You know I know:) Just sayin'.

    Love you. Forgive yourself:)

  3. It happens to most of us. Forgive and just eat a bit less tomorrow. And I agree with Princess Dieter, a little protein on that salad would be a good thing.

    One bad day NEVER ruins a diet. It's strings of multiple bad days that can do that.

    Try to remember how this made you feel, maybe even print out your post on a card or something that you can pull out next time you want to eat too much. Reminders can really help!

  4. I want you to know I read your posts every day but for some reason only comment once in a while, usually on the ones that touch me in some way, either good or bad. This did both. I understand what you mean about not representing God well by overeating. I have the same thought. Everything we do should be for His glory, and I'm trying to make decisions that would glorify Him but it feel so bad when I don't. But we are human and God forgives our error if we repent, and you've obviously immediately identified it and are moving on. Good for you. I wish I would have caught myself that quickly before going on a month-long binge and gaining back 15 pounds. Oi. Thanks for all your daily thoughts as you go through this weight loss journey and adventure. It's nice having a godly woman to traverse it with. :)


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